a nickel for your...

You're so stupid.
You waited for me when I took too long
You annoy the shit out of me.
You made me laugh.
Your unibrow is growing in.
You walked me to my dorm, even though it's right there.
You're so stubborn.
You were there when I cried.
You piss the shit out of me.
You showed your concern for me when I was hurt.
You act like you don't care.
You made me smile every time I saw you.
You're so weird.
You danced the night away with me.

You purposely argue with me over everything under the sun.
You understood what I was going through.
You eat all my food.
Your hugs were the best.
You always avoid the issues.
You were my friend.

We used to share our food with each other,
Now I eat alone in my room.
We used to sit together in class and complain about how boring it was,
Now I sit, thinking to myself about why you're mad at me.
We used to be seen rarely with out the other,
Now I'm like a complete stranger to you.
We used to be called out because people thought we had something going on,
Now they ask me what's wrong.
We used to share vent to each other,
Now I'm sitting here, wondering why I care so much.

I know I'm hurting, are you?

Down (Candle Light Remix) - Jay Sean

not worth the...

I had a breakdown today in the middle of Parina. I had mustered enough courage to call my dad for help only to be met by accusations and angry words, which I had anticipated but did not adequately prepared for. I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but I just couldn't do it anymore and I broke down. I don't know how much longer I can continue to push myself like this.

Nothing can console this heavy mind and heart of mine.

how to cope...

"I'm selfish, I'm impatient & a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

somehow, somewhere...

I try my best to keep myself calm and collective,
Keep my life under the wraps.
But my life is somewhat of a mess at this point.
That's my problem; I don't ask for help when I really need it.

I haven't paid for tuition,
I can't register for class till I do,
Pledge project and requirements due on Sunday,
6 pages and outline of Philo of Friendship due Wednesday,
Leadership Christmas Show,
VLYT OC show,
18 units, 4 classes, a lab, and tutoring
I haven't seen my students or my friends for weeks,
I haven't gone to church in a while.
I'm going to spontaneously combust.

Inside, I'm scared.
Scared that I can't do this,
that I'll go crazy,
that I'll fail,
that I'll disappoint those who matter to me.

I exude an exterior that is organized and appear sane and stable,
only for the sake of those around me.
I manage, because I have to.
I tell myself that everything's going to be ok,
but in no way am I certain.
Don't know if I can do, in all honesty,
I'm scared to death.
I want to cry, but I' m too tired.
Tired of struggling,
waiting,
working,
anticipating.
I want it all to be over.

ready, steady...

This could be the start of something new.

Make You Feel My Love - Adele